More of the Same?

I was reflecting just now on my response to someone who offered to do me a favour. I expected to be asked to pay for it.I seem to have become conditioned to expecting to do things for people and to pay myself or get no financial reward. Why is this? How did this happen?I have a habit of reflecting. I suppose it is born out of being an over-thinker. Over thinking is when you run the same scenario over and over in your head and try to arrive at the reason you’ve had a negative interaction with someone. It is rather pointless because you will arrive at the same conclusions if you are in the same frame of mind. And growth that way is difficult.Now reflection is something else. It is quiet for one thing. For another it requires that you look very closely at your motivation and what pushed you to react in a certain way. It is useful because it shifts the responsibility back to your own door. You have to make the change, to loosely refer to a song lyric by one of my favourite of all time artists MJ. (I was lucky enough to see Michael in concert in the 90s, but that is another story.)Where was I going with all this? Well, I’m analysing why I was so, well, punishing, to the kind person and myself. I suppose I was expecting someone to want something for nothing again.Lately, with Lockdown and being ostracised from my near and dear ones, I’ve been using music as a way of getting a fix of empathy. Old music; music that has been with me for years. This means lyrics are at the forefront of my mind. (I’m writing from Costa today; for some reason they have excellent internet and I’m managing to avoid errors/typos, so I thought I’d give them a plug.) Usually I’m in Coffee 1. I have a gardening business and I was sitting the rain out, but it is incessant, so we’ve agreed I’ll do two hours next week. Still, I’m glad I went out because my phone works better away from the house. Don’t ask me why, it’s only a 12 minute walk up the road into town. Had I not gone out at 8 am anyway, I would not have chatted to my son. And we’ve missed one another for the past ten days. He’s studying medicine, and rings me whenever he can, in between shifts. So lovely to be blessed with such a boy. Anyway, again I digress.I was interrupted by calls and messages and things as I sat in the gloom of Coffee 1. I like it in there, as I enjoy hiding away and fading into obscurity. Yet, how about being seen instead? So here I am sitting in Costa, down the street and looking out at the rain. No rainbow in sight. Or is there?And so, because I have allowed it to, this story has come full circle, meandering to and fro with the lovely lilt of an Italian accent in the background. I know this because I’ve worked with Italians, and been to Italy twice, and here I am, sitting in the light and taking a photograph out the window to share with you. And now that I have let the light in who knows what treasures and abundance await?

Published by hermionelaake contributing editor O:JA&L

Currently, whist working on long fiction, I write short stories, poetry, essays and blog weekly. I appeared on Blog Talk Radio, 2016, interview across continents with Susan Wingate. See my twitter account: herziloph, pinned tweet; Award nominee, Jointly-published and Indie writer. Nominated for the Avon and Authonomy First Lines prize, 2014 and the H. G. Wells Grand Prize for Fiction, 2013. My flash fiction is published with Open: Journal of Arts and Letters.

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